The other week I got shouted at by a stranger
Out on a walk with my dog, Pepper, I turned my head away for a second and Pepper started doing his number 2 on the doorstep of a bar. Before I even got a chance to react and fluff out a poo bag, a man walking by felt it was his duty to start shouting at me, call me a brainless idiot and tell me what he would do to stupid people like me who let their dogs do their business on people's doorsteps. I later on saw this man pick up his daughter from a primary school and wondered was this how he talks to her too or just women he doesn't know on the street?
The interaction didn't last for more than a few minutes, yet it was enough to make me walk away with a knot in my stomach and watery eyes, my nervous system triggered into flight or fight mode.
What is our default mechanism when triggered?
In the moment, I instantly wanted to put on music or continue listening to my podcast to distract myself and make these uncomfortable feelings go away. I also felt how easy it would be to take it out on Pepper - pull him hard on the lead, snap or shout at him to pass on the frustration (I didn't, of course).
Triggers, situations like this don't bring out the best in us. Especially, when we shove them to the side and get on with our day on an auto-pilot. We may think that we don't need to deal with them, but when we supress our emotions they don't go anywhere. More often than not we either internalise them or take them out on our loved ones.
Yoga off the mat
Feeling this storm inside me reminded me that this is exactly what we practice in yoga - to feel what we feel, pleasant, unpleasant or neutral, to expand our tolerance for discomfort, to create space between our triggers and our reactions, and observe that however strong an emotion can be, it passes when we let it be.
I turned off my podcast. Continued walking, feeling my body.
Started noticing the different sensations, what's uncomfortable, what's tight.
Burning cheeks, faster heartbeat, faster breathing, tightness in my stomach.
Labelled some of my emotions and feelings - shame, anger, fear.
Our emotions are not the problem
If you're thinking 'well this is a bit extreme and an overreaction to a seemingly silly thing'. Don't worry, I was already judging myself in the moment too - why am I so sensitive, I should be more resilient, a 'normal' person wouldn't take it so personally.
Yet it doesn't matter even if it is an overreaction. We feel what we feel and when we're gripped by triggers, we can't reason our way out of it straight away. When we try to, we judge, resist and shame ourselves for how we feel and those emotions get even stickier. We can't choose or control our emotions, but as uncomfortable as they can be, they are not the problem. It's reacting out of them and not knowing how to self-regulate that make our life more difficult. Luckily, this is something we can control and learn better ways to be there for ourselves.
Here's how I soothed myself
I placed my hand on my stomach where the physical sensation felt the strongest.
Gave myself permission to feel, to be here for myself.
Turned my attention to my breathing and started holding my breathing.
Soft inhale, soft exhale and holding the breath until a strong urge to breathe in.
10, 15, 20 seconds. Making sure the inhales stay calm, quiet and gentle.
You can literally feel the space that this pause creates.
The emptiness, the centre, the silence that it pulls you into.
The space where you create distance from the trigger and you.
Where you don't need to react, just be, observe and let it pass.
My best tool for strong emotions and nervous system regulation
Training myself to tolerate this space and shortness of breath has been the most helpful tool in my struggle with anxiety and panic attacks. It works incredibly well in frustrating situations too. Slowing, reducing and holding your breathing literally changes the chemical balance in your blood. It doesn't change your oxygen levels (your bloodstream is always full of oxygen at any given moment at around 98% oxygen saturation), but it increases your carbon dioxide levels. It's a paradox, but breathing less increases CO2 which releases more oxygen from your bloodstream into the body's cells, tissues and brain (this is why in class I don't teach big, loud breathing - your cells get more oxygen by breathing less than by overbreathing). This slow, reduced breathing sends a powerful signal to your nervous system and helps your body move out of flight or fight mode into rest and digest. Ancient yogis knew it too: to still the mind - still the breath.
What is your relation to triggers?
Thank you for letting me share my thoughts and ponderings that came up from this encounter. Let me know if it resonated with you, perhaps made you think of any triggering situations you had and the ways you normally deal with them. Do you have a tendency to supress your feelings? Do you judge yourself for overreacting or being too sensitive in the moment? Do you carry the frustration into your relationships, take it out on other people? What tools do you use to soothe yourself? I'd love to hear your thoughts if you'd want to share.
Big love and stay kind to yourself.
All parts of you,
the angry,
the petty,
the hurt,
the ashamed,
the afraid,
the sensitive
the [fill in the blank]
X
Inga
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